My Shitty

I recently went on a two-week vacation, and ever since I returned my bowel habits have changed. I used to go twice a day, almost everyday — once in the morning after I ate or drank coffee, and once after I get home from work. While on vacation I mostly only went daily, partly because we did not have much toilet paper at some of the places we stayed. I also tried not to go in the evenings by going to bed early before the urge for my evening poop came.

On the day I got back things changed a bit. I stopped going in the evenings completely except on occasion. Sometimes when I fart it feels like I need to poop, but all that happens is that I shart, or a mucous-like substance comes out. Prune juice helps control this, but I still have trouble. Also, my ass is completely dry after getting out of the shower, but a short while later it feels wet again like the water never dried at all. I have to dry off again. I also feel as if I haven’t pooped completely, or that something is still in there.

I dont know why its happening. I eat lots of fiber every morning, like Mini Wheats, and I have fiber in the evening as well. Is this happening because I held in my poops in the evening?

Poop Report

That’s the kind where you’re in the public toilet, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You shit and flush two times, but several golf ball-sized poops are still floating on the water..

Having a little trouble reading the fine print in that contract as you sit in the doggy park? Need to shed a little more light on the subject? Don’t worry, just take a tip from conceptual artist Matthew Mazotta: Toss a nice greasy snack to your nearest canine friend, then wait a while.

Matt is the originator of Project Park Spark in the town of Cambridge,
Massachusetts. Doggy poops are placed in special biodegradable bags and then tossed into a methane digester, where they are converted into methane gas that is used to power an old fashioned gas light.

From an ecological viewpoint, this is a much saner idea than shipping the offending material off to a landfill where it will only to add to atmospheric pollution by turning to methane.

Mazotta envisions placing such digester and light combinations in parks across the USA. I say why stop there? Lets start an international
campaign and illuminate the whole world with dog shit! It beats the hell out of stepping in it!

Poop Report

The first time I crapped my pants, I was in the seventh grade. It was an average day; in fact, the only part of this particular day I can remember was my destroying my underwear.

I was in the last period of the day and staring at the clock, waiting to go home. Since the beginning of the period, the urge to drop a big magical poop dragon had been building. It wasn’t one of those poops consisted of a lot of bloating and rumbling, one that generally causes you to squirt your pants due to excessive air. No. Plain in simple, it was just a massive intruder that needed to be exterminated.

The bell finally rang, and I headed to the bus. At this point I wasn’t feeling any discomfort. I thought I was in control. My stomach wasn’t hurting. By the time I got to the bus I was thinking quite differently, because my scuttling to the bus obviously awoke this sleeping demon from it slumber. I stood at the door to the bus and considered my options – go back into the school and tame this mythical golem, or climb on the bus and roll the dice. I didn’t want to walk home, which took about thirty-five minutes, so I climbed on the bus and waited.

Slowly, this battering ram pounded on the castle gate that was my clinched ass hole. I looked around, silently hating everyone who was laughing and joking with each other. Then, there was a breach; the nose of the battering ram punched through the center of the gate, only to be quickly boarded up by the army of medieval warriors terrified within the castle walls. The fact that I knew every bus stop by heart didn’t help, either, because it only prolonged this epic quest. What would normally be a five minute ride straight home seemed like the passing of many moons. I found myself preparing each person for their upcoming stop, directing them to the front of the bus so they could exit as soon as possible.

The battering ram was fierce. It was an unstoppable force that was undoubtedly going to punch through my dirt star. The colossal log started to penetrate my defenses, and it was pointless to fight it. I was clinching, trembling, holding my breath, but there was no hope… I regrettably shit my pants.

It was like that scene from Saving Private Ryan where that Jewish army soldier got into a brawl with that balding Nazi who was let go earlier in the movie. The Jew was slowing penetrated through the chest (my butthole) with his own blade (my poo) he has drawn earlier in this epic duel. This turd was that Nazi, and I was slowly losing a battle that was clearly already lost. It was done.

I was still on the bus, and I had a giant load in my pants. I started to stink up the entire bus. I was uncomfortable, yet thankful it was over. Although I knew most could probably smell my reeking ass, I knew there was a slim chance it would be narrowed down to me. Finally my stop came. I got off and walked home. I thank the Lord everyday that I was wearing tightie-whities, because if I had felt I need to be one of the cool kids and own a pair of boxers, my shit would probably leaked down my legs in the bus aisle.

Poop Report

I just started working at a new job with a local cable company. I have been attending training classes for the past three weeks there. I suffer from a mild form of IBS, and therefore I poop frequently throughout the day. It is not uncommon for me to take two to three poops at work on a typical work day. Today was no different, but I may have made a less than stellar food choice for lunch. I decided to have lunch from a local fast food restaurant, and of course the main ingredient in any fast food is grease, which for an IBS sufferer can mean serious butt pee. I took my morning poop, as I always do, at work before I get started for the day or shortly afterward. The trend has been three poops at work per day, and a fourth poop at home before bed time.

My morning poop was uneventful, other than its volume and consistency (a 6 on the Bristol scale). I usually take the same stall in the same bathroom in the building every day, multiple times during the day. This time it was a little different. I was sitting in my training class about an hour or so after my rather greasy lunchtime fare when I felt that familiar rumbling down below, the one that signals I need to poop. This one was going to very easily be a six or seven on the scale. Fortunately, within ten minutes we were allowed to have a break, at which time I went to the bathroom where I normally go to use the stall that I normally use.

At this point I was in a dire(rhea) shituation and needed to go now. But to my chagrin the stall was occupied with another user enjoying his after-lunch poop. I immediately scurried to the other bathroom that was close by and saw it was empty, with a large, roomy stall waiting for me. I went in, locked the door (or so I thought), and sat down to do my business. I showed the white porcelain commode no mercy, assaulting it with what seemed like a never-ending stream of butt pee. As I was doing this, another guy walked in and pushed the the stall door open while I was in mid-poop. I cannot even begin to describe the embarrassment I felt from the intrusion. It is not like I have never been walked in on before, but I had never been walked in on while at work. I got up off the seat, and while hoping not to get any butt pee on the linoleum floor, re-locked the door. I finished the job and went back to the classroom. As a result of this, I spent my entire break in the bathroom, and vowed never to use that particular bathroom again.

I am not very good at hiding my emotions. Upon returning to class, the facilitator told me that I appeared to be flustered. I then explained to her that I had been walked in on while “using the bathroom”, and that I have IBS, and was therefore unable to wait. The entire group burst into laughter and asked me if I was OK. The lesson I learned from this event is that I will no longer poop in that bathroom until the lock on the stall door is properly repaired, so my privacy is not violated at work.

Poop Report